Loyalty vs. Respect.

It is my belief that one of the leading causes of anxiety and depression is living in loyalty rather than respect. Between the ages of 0-7 a child lives in the brain wave state of theta (4-8 Hz), which is when all subconscious programming takes place. When a child learns the magic word “no”, behavior becomes loyal to some degree. In order for a child’s physical needs to be met they have to be loyal to their parents, and so two forms of loyalty appear, “compliance” and “defiance”. Children experience both forms, but usually lean further one way or the other. The compliant child more times than not is obedient and gets attention for doing so. These children grow up going along with who their parents want or need them to be and that behavior is reflected in their adult lives unless consciously worked on. Defiant children are the exact opposite. More times than not they are disobedient and get attention for doing so. These children grow up going against who their parents want or need them to be, which also is reflected as adults unless made conscious (in both instances very rare but possible). The defiant child also surfaces in both once their emotional needs go unmet.

Neither compliance or defiance is good or bad, right or wrong, it’s just a part of how we are programmed. Both are forms of loyalty because both influence people’s behavior to act a certain way for Mom and/or Dad (or whoever those parental figures were to them growing up). When a child has to act a certain way in order to be loved, accepted, shown attention, etc. they experience both internal and external abandonment, essentially experiencing a “loss of self”. Additionally, when a child’s emotional needs aren’t met they become very angry and resentful, but usually don’t know why. Loyalty doesn’t just stop with our childhood experience of our parents. It continues to show up in our daily lives and sometimes goes completely unnoticed, hence it being hidden in our “sub”-conscious minds. It can be as obvious as behaving in a way that triggers the cliche, “you’re just like your Mom/Dad”, or as subtle as realizing you attract romantic partners that have stark similarities to one of your parents.

So then why can this lead to anxiety and depression? Would you consider, these programs create patterns of behavior that perpetuate no matter how old you are? From my experience, anxiety is our body sending us physical signals when unresolved childhood trauma gets triggered by something we are experiencing currently. Similarly, depress(ion) is when our body is taking a “deep-rest” from playing this character (“acting” a certain way) that is not authentically us. We may try consciously convincing ourselves we’ve “gotten over it” all we want but childhood emotional trauma lives deep in our cells and nervous systems. This is why our bodies will continue to present us with physical symptoms or “dis-ease” until we get to the root of it subconsciously. Our inner child and/or higher self is essentially trying to get our attention through our physical bodies. When we go through the same cycles, live through our ego parts, and stay in loyalty to others physical symptoms will persist.

Once we become aware of this (aware of our loyalty to how we experienced our parents and aware of our emotional needs and how to meet them ourselves) we are given the gift of choice. Being able to choose to live in loyalty or respect. Living in respect is being able to honor and accept the differences between yourself and others, without abandoning yourself in the process. It is also knowing yourself, what you need, and not making it someone else’s responsibility to meet those needs for you. When living in respect you start to realize how loyal programming shows up in your life, acknowledge it, allow yourself to feel, accept yourself, and instead of playing the blame game, take responsibility for your own experience. Consider that moving from loyalty to respect is not a linear process. From my experience, keeping the “80/20 rule” in mind helps a great deal. By being loyal to what others want from you at most 20% of the time, and respecting what you want for yourself at least 80% of the time, resentment and anger tend not to build up to unbearable levels.

(Last updated: 10.22.24)